The mansplain – we’ve all been there and had it done to us. In Sweden they even had to open a hotline for women so they could talk about it – that’s how often it happens. Of course men derailed the entire thing because they kept calling to report they were worried they’d mansplained to someone and needed reassuring that they weren’t a terrible person. Just imagine if we had a hotline like that in Pakistan, it would be full of guys saying ‘yaar ek bandi ne kaha tha ke main usse mansplain karraha hoon, please uss se kahain aise cheezain na kaha kare’. Pakistani men do have a penchant for it and the mansplain here generally takes three forms:
Ladies, you may think you know a lot about what’s going on in the world right now. You’ve probably read every article on Trump from every major news outlet, you’ve been following the confirmation hearings and you’ve watched Trevor Noah’s dimples laugh at all the ridiculousness going on. But no. No! You actually don’t know you silly billy! You need to have it explained to you that ‘basically yaar Trump jo hai na woh iss hi liye elect hua hai kyoun ke [insert most simplistic and reductive reason here]’ ‘yes but..’ you argue ‘what about the white working class, neoliberalism, racism, Islamophobia, voting against the establishment, manufacturing consent’. ‘Haan yaar woh sab bhi hai laikin asal main jo hai woh [insert most basic reasoning here]’. You retreat because there’s no coming back from there. They grandiosely declare whilst you question. You realise engaging is futile so you sit back and nod and say ‘hmm, aha’ whenever you need to. You hate yourself for feeding their vanity but you’re too polite to say ‘YAAR TUMHEN KUCH PATHA BHI HAI YA WAISE HI BAKKE JAA RAHE HO’. So men, when you see a woman behave like this; know you are chatting shit and you need to stop and say ‘waise tum Trevor Noah ke baare main kya keh rahi thi?’ Trevor Noah is always a safe conversation. Trust me. No-one would want to stop talking about him. Alright, now for the mains.
Ladies, you may have lived in a war zone, trekked to the top of Mount Everest, discovered the Higgs boson or any number of amazing things but it doesn’t matter because your story is always gonna get topped. ‘Acha really? woh kaafi cool hai waise maine tumhen bataya tha ke main Barcelona solo trip pe gaya tha?’ This trip to a first-world city is always very hazardous in ways you wouldn’t understand and most of the time the dude is for all intents and purposes fluent in Spanish by the end of it (what do you mean you can’t be fluent after a week? Mujhe dekho). After your conversing skills have been tested to the nth degree be ready for the question ‘tum ne kabhi paella khaya hai?’ with paella pronounced completely wrong for added cheer. Guys if you ever find yourselves doing this, just talk about Trevor Noah. I mean I don’t even know what other advice to give you except to stop doing this.
This is always a special one. It usually comes after they’ve asked you ‘are you a feminist?’ and you respond with ‘of course, everyone should be a feminist’ and then get ready to make a speech which would make Chimamanda proud (she’s bae so we’re on first name terms). However, it’s always followed by something to the effect of ‘haan feminism teeq hai laikin…’ and then comes all that other shit about how feminism has taken it too far and nowadays girls have equal rights but want to be something they’re not. Apparently we want to BE men which is absolutely ridiculous because have you met any recently?
Anyway, this mansplain always ends with an ode to lovely mummy who was so demure and loved by everyone and shits roses but would never call herself a feminist because she always had everything she ever wanted without ever having needed to do anything so vulgar as ask or heaven forbid demand it. So would all the women today not mind ever so much doing the same thing? Yaar, let me womansplain this to you now. Hum aapke hai kaun? Take your nostalgia for a time when women couldn’t demand their rights but took them silently, apologetically and considered themselves the luckiest people in the world for having been able to have them (without actually overtly claiming them) and stick it up your ass. Just stop doing this. Don’t even talk about Trevor Noah, seriously, he’d get really pissed off.
No I don’t want chai I’m getting out of this shitty restaurant.