To Whom It May Concern,
I am writing this letter to you as an application to appear on your programme Cornetto ™ Pop Rock.
Look, I know what you do. The performance, the music, the showbiz, the glitz and the glamour. I get it. And I am certain that I tick all those boxes. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s easy! When I was 12 I had to sing our national anthem in front of the whole school and I actually peed in my pants! From the very start, I sang ‘Pak!…’ and then just felt it running down my leg and I started crying (of course!), I mean who wouldn’t under those circumstances, embarrassed in front of all my peers, and also worried that I might be considered anti-national in any way (I can assure you I am not!). But through my tears and urine I finished the anthem, to complete silence from my friends and teachers, and my point is that I am a determined performer! I never leave things halfway, even at such an early and impressionable age, and always commit to things to the best of my ability. (Please note that I can no longer perform the national anthem as the trauma of this experience gives me temporary incontinence. But, as you know, there are plenty of other songs!)
I am also incredibly flexible and adapt to every situation I am placed in. I will be honest with you, as I believe honesty is a very important trait and one of my best assets, that I do not actually like Cornetto Ice Creams very much. I am being honest! The taste is a little too sweet for me and whenever I have tried it I begin burping/hiccuping, which is very strange. But I am not writing to ask you to improve your product! I am writing because, even though I do not like Cornettos very much, I am still 100% able and willing to be on Cornetto Pop Rock and sing my heart out for your audience. This is an example of my flexibility. I am even willing to publicly lick Cornetto Ice Creams in any promotional events I may need to attend, even though, as I have said, the hiccups/burps may make me unable to sing. In this case, I would recommend Ali Azmat, who I have seen gulp a number of Cornettos™ and then perform immediately afterwards. Alas, I still have much to learn as an artist!
In summary, I believe that my qualities of fierce determination in the face of adversity and exceptional flexibility make me an ideal candidate to be on Cornetto Pop Rock.
I very much look forward to hearing from you,