Single at 30

After this article I am done mining my own life for content and laying my soul bare so that Mosiki can have 5 more hits in the few hours after it goes up. I mean it. 

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Being single at 30 sucks. It’s not just because the world we live in is built around the couple form making you feel like a lame unlovable loser with less game than every other person you know able to form an umbilical connection at the right age with someone, anyone, remotely worthy. It’s not even because all your friends are suddenly adults talking about adult shit and third wheeling with them no longer feels like fun but like you’re hanging out with your parents. It’s not even your actual parents lamenting their missing grandchildren and pleading with you to get your shit together. No. It’s not just that. It’s because you actually crave the companionship that this sort of rishta brings and that’s what makes it worse. The call is coming from inside the house.

omg hey!

I had the worst date and the best date of my life in 2020, the former lasted not even two hours and made me want to pour all romantic inclinations into the rearing of plants, the latter led to something which lasted five months and changed the angle at which I fit myself into the world. I don’t talk to either of them anymore. I’ve been told that’s life. 

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I read in a book that loneliness is measured by how many times you wake up at night. It’s because when we were cavemen alone in the African savannah away from our tribe we would be in incredible danger and so our body wakes us up at night to check for predators. So scientists gauge how lonely you’re feeling by these ‘micro-awakenings’ in your sleep. Every not coupled-up millennial I know who I have told this to has looked at me in wide-eyed fear saying seriously ‘I think that’s me, that’s what I do’, I can only soothe them by saying you’re fine, it’s probably just a jinn. This explanation is preferable.

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I live in a basement flat and whenever I go up and out to get my foodpanda delivery I get all my text messages at once – Papa John’s, Delish, Domino’s, Delish again, Khaadi, Delish again. I look up at the stars as I head to the gate, they say it’s good for perspective but it does the opposite for me, what an amazing audience to see me get all of these text messages, Domino’s again, Pizza Hut, home tutor to teach me A Level english, Delish again. I get to the gate and the foodpanda guy is the best kind, tells me off for not picking up my phone and then his hand lingers a few seconds too long over mine when giving me my change. I guess i’ll be sleeping through the night tonight lol. 

*bites lip*

The angle-changer once said to me ‘I want to marry someone like you, not you, but someone exactly like you.’ It made me wonder, Why can’t we have drone strikes in Lahore? Honestly, it would help me out so much, imagine I could just say I’m single because all the men died in the war. maybe I should write to the pentagon. 

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The worst thing about marriage is married people. I don’t mean anyone married for over 30 years or under 3 years, it’s all those in-between couples who you’re close enough to to see the disdain dripping off their every word when they’re embroiled in an awful fight you can’t wait to leave their house to get away from. You know the ones where the half you’re close to then turns to you and goes ‘you sure you want this?’ You realise on your drive back home that the answer is yes, what else are you going to do to pass the time.

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There are women who think you shouldn’t cry over men and women who think men are one of the only things worth crying over. The latter are unemployed God bless them, the former probably work in marketing. The only women for me are the ones who’d sell their mothers and the entire women’s movement into a lifetime of slavery for some mid-market male attention. The ones who are with awful men for all the right reasons rather than those with the decent men for all the wrong reasons (like because he will do half the chores or support your career, yuck). 

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I’m on the phone to the angle-changer and mention a date I have coming up. He is angry and jealous. Someone call the pentagon, maybe we can hold off on the drone strikes for just a little bit. 

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